The Pain Comes Back

The funny thing about all this exploration of the guru phenomena is that, if I were in my twenties experiencing this, I would probably be a Sikh by this point. Instead, I am surrendering to a more complex, less dramatic way of being in this situation. I am remembering other times I thought I had found a way to escape pain--taking drugs, becoming manic, making art, falling in love, joining a religion, moving to a new city. I've tried all these things in the hope that they would be a one-way road out of suffering and I've found that none of them are. You always end up back at your own house, eventually, with a pile of dishes in the sink, unpaid bills, and concerned messages from your friends and family on the answering machine. I believe we have to tend to our own wounds most of the time. I'm not saying that having a teacher means you're not doing that; I'm just noticing that underneath it all, that's part of my motivation for wanting a teacher. 

Not only that, I've come to believe that suffering is not such a bad thing after all. Like the shadow, suffering makes us deeper, stronger, and more compassionate. So I've become interested in the fact that, in the presence of this teacher, my pain seems to go away--physical, emotional, mental pain--and that it feels so good. And I'm also interested in the fact that the pain comes back when I think I can't have that relationship in the way that I want to. The pain comes back when I feel "myself" again, or when I feel out of relationship with that experience. 

I think this dilemma is widespread right now. We are collectively trying to release ourselves from the patterns that hold us back, and going through that process can be a bit manic-depressive. The New Age thing, a la The Secret, goes too far into the light and therefore has a monstrous shadow side. This is true of most religious orders, too, and spiritual organizations. I believe this is true of the spiritual order my teacher belongs to. There is the perpetuation of the myth that we can live in a heavenly God realm free of pain and difficulty, if only we just learn to think right, or feel right, or find the right Guru. But as I live and breathe, I tell you, that's not true. Enlightenment, if it comes at all, comes with the understanding that we are both human animals suffering all the indignities and privileges that being in a body affords, and somehow also divine, numinous beings capable of things far greater than our physical incarnations would seem to allow.